To Boggy…
… ‘Cause I know you have a thing for my diary
It was in the midst of a promiscuous summer. Clicking the blue ‘Add’ button changed everything. A week after, I found myself longing for a person I’ve never seen in my life. I found myself in love with yet another beautiful illusion - that I’ve made it to my ‘final home’.
When I actually faced him, the very first reaction in my body was unambiguous - my legs were about to fail me.
Run.
I didn’t.
On the contrary, I widely opened the door of my apartment, of my life, of my heart and soul, as well as those failing legs of mine.
Everything that followed the next month and a half came to prove that I am not as grown-up and wise as I wished I were. I was happily allowing to be fed with the blue pill and thus choosing to remain in the illusion.
His ailing body was not the issue. I was once abandoned for being sick so I’ve decided that I am not going to do that to another human. After a while, his looks were no longer a drawback. ‘I am not superficial’, I was continuously convincing myself, as I was accepting and accepting and proud for doing so.
And then… reality merged.
I remember I was resisting it at first. However, the invisible obstructive power that was not allowing me to cross the threshold of his dark and steeped in hypocrisy family home, was completely unassailable. That was when I ran.
‘Easy come, easy go’, they say. It was with the very same easy manner you told me you loved me on the third day of being together, in which you afterwards told me ‘I cannot love this’. I should’ve known better and ignored my desperate need to believe.
And now?
I’m in my flip-flops, watching the city go to sleep from my beautiful Santa Catarina balcony, having a glass of vinho do Porto. I’m capturing my emotions in this narration, hence framing my so vitally desired closure. And for me that is not carrying on as ‘enemies’, I do not affiliate with that concept. One has enemies at war. And ours was love. It least I know for me it was.
Sept 26th 2021
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